On November 7, 2013, American television culture took yet another step deeper into Toiletville.
It was the Two and Half Men episode, “Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants.” And it starred Lynda Carter as the target of a crush that was both infantile and obscene.
Carter, of course, is the singer/actress best-known for her role as Wonder Woman (1975-1979).
And watching this episode of Men, it was hard to tell where the real-life Carter left off and the fictional character she was playing took over.
Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman
Here, in brief, was the plotline:
Alan Harper (Jon Cryer) learns that his roommate, Walden Schmidt (Ashton Kutcher) knows Lynda Carter.
Having an enormous crush on Carter from his years of watching her as Wonder Woman, Alan asks Walden to set him up on a date with her.
Against his better judgment, Walden agrees to invite her to the house for dinner.
Now, if Carter had been playing a fictional character, there wouldn’t have been anything wrong with this premise.
Nobody, for example, would have mistaken Laurence Olivier for Richard III.
But she wasn’t. She was playing herself.
And, in her real-life self, she’s 62. An admittedly good-looking 62, but, even so, a woman about 40 years older than the character (Alan) who wants to meet her.
And not simply meet her. Bone her.
Bone her? Yes–that’s exactly what he says when Walden initially turns down his request to introduce him to her: “Now I’ll never get to bone Lynda Carter.”
And since Carter was playing herself, it’s useful to recall that she is, in real-life, a married woman (since 1984 to attorney Robert Altman).
And the show achieves an even lower level of crassness when Walden says Alan is so desperate to meet Carter that he’d skulk around in the bushes in front of her house.
“Wow, Lynda Carter’s bush,” says Alan, practically salivating over the contemplation of a 62-year-old woman’s vagina.
But males aren’t the only gender who get to descend to new depths of bad taste in this episode. There’s the character of Jenny (Amber Tamblyn), the lesbian sister of the departed character Charlie (Charlie Sheen).
Again, the show’s writers simply couldn’t resist the temptation to mix real-life with fantasy.
Jenny is, at first, not even aware who Lynda Carter is until Alan, shocked, clues her in on the infantile series she’s best-known for.
And, after meeting Carter, Jenny remain unimpressed. There’s an edginess in her voice as she comes face-to-face with the actress who’s well-known for supporting gay and lesbian rights.
“I understand you’re into cuffs,” she tells Carter–a reference to the “magic bracelets” worn by her character, Wonder Woman.
But it’s also a double entendre, conjuring up the image of Carter (perhaps in her Wonder Woman outfit) staked out on a bed in a bondage fantasy.
For all of Alan’s over-the-top infatuation with Carter, it’s not him that she’s interested in. It’s his buddy, Walden (Ashton Kutcher).
Lynda Carter and Ashton Kutcher
And to prove it, she gives him a real smackeroo of a kiss.
Which may well have conjured up, for him, real-life memories of his May-December marriage to the actress Demi Moore.
Kutcher was 27 when he tied the knot with Moore in 2005. Moore, by contrast, was 42.
The marriage ended in 2013, amid tabloid reports that Kutcher had cheated on her with Sara Leal, a 22-year-old San Diego-based administrative assistant.
Kutcher, born in 1978, was still rolling around in his cradle while Carter–born in 1951–was wrapping up her third and final season as Wonder Woman.
So, for Kutcher, maybe it was a case of deja vu all over again.
On Veterans Day from 2001 to 2004, the American Broadcasting Company (ABC) aired the 1998 Steven Spielberg World War II classic, Saving Private Ryan, uncut and with limited commercial interruptions.
Both the grity, realistic battle scenes and profanity were left intact.
Storming the beach at Normandy in Saving Private Ryan
But in 2004, its airing was marked by pre-emptions by 65 ABC affiliates.
The reason: The backlash over Super Bowl XXXVIII’s halftime show controversy (starring the infamous bared breast of Janet Jackson).
The affiliates—28% of the network—did not clear the available timeslot for the film.
And this was even after the Walt Disney Company–which owns ABC–offered to pay all fines for language to the FCC.
No complaints, however, were lodged with the FCC.
It speaks volumes to the priorities–and values–of American television when a film honoring the wartime sacrifices of American soldiers is banned from network TV.
And it speaks volumes as well to the priorities–and values–of American television when a casually juvenile and crudity-laced series like Two and a Half Men becomes CBS’ biggest cash cow.

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WHAT THE MAJOR HAS TO TELL US
In Entertainment, History, Military, Politics, Social commentary on April 11, 2014 at 12:10 amMajor Dundee is a 1965 Sam Peckinpah Western focusing on a Union cavalry officer (Charlton Heston) who leads a motley troop of soldiers into Mexico to rescue three children kidnapped by Apaches.
Along the way they liberate Mexican villagers and clash with French lancers trying to establish the Austrian Archduke Maximillian 1 as emperor of Mexico.
The Wild Bunch is universally recognized as Peckinpah’s greatest achievement. It has certainly had a far greater impact on audiences and critics than Major Dundee. According to Heston, this was really the movie Peckinpah wanted to make while making Dundee, but he couldn’t quite get his hands around it.
As a result, Dundee’s virtues have been tragically overlooked. It has a larger cast of major characters than Bunch, and these are men you can truly like and identify with:
These men are charged with a dangerous and dirty mission, and do it as well as they can, but you wouldn’t fear inviting them to meet your family.
Major Dundee (Charlton Heston)
That was definitely not the case with The Wild Bunch, four hardened killers prepared to rip off anyone, anytime, and leave a trail of bodies in their wake. The only place where you would have felt safe seeing them, in real-life, was behind prison bars.
The Wild Bunch
Dundee is an odyssey movie, in the same vein as Saving Private Ryan. Both films start with a battle, followed by the disappearance of characters who need to be searched for and brought back to safety.
Just as Dundee assembles a small force to go into Mexico, so, too, does Captain John Miller (Tom Hanks) do the same, with his hunting ground being France.
Dundee’s men retrieve the kidnapped children and survive a near-fatal battle with Indians. Miller’s men twice clash with the Germans before finding their quarry, James Ryan.
Before Dundee can return to the United States, he must face and defeat a corps of French soldiers. Before Miller can haul Ryan back to safety, he must repulse a German assault.
Both groups of soldiers–Dundee’s and Miller’s–are transformed by their experiences in ways neither group could possibly articulate. (Miller, being a highly literate schoolteacher, would surely do a better job of this than the tight-jawed Dundee.)
Dundee’s soldiers return to a United States that’s just ended its Civil War with a Union victory–and the death of slavery. Miller’s soldiers return to a nation that is now a global superpower.
Of course, Ryan was fortunate in having Steven Spielberg as its director. With his clout, there was no question that Ryan would emerge as the film he wanted.
Peckinpah lacked such clout. And he fought with everyone, including the producer, Jerry Bressler, who ultimately held the power to destroy his film. This guaranteed that his movie would emerge far differently than he had envisioned.
In 2005, an extended version of Dundee was released, featuring 12 minutes of restored footage. (Much of the original footage was lost after severe cuts to the movie.)
In this, we fully see how unsympathetic a character the martinet Dundee really is. Owing to Heston’s record of playing heroes, it’s easy to overlook Dundee’s arrogance and lethal fanaticism and automatically view him as a hero. If he is indeed that, he is a hero with serious flaws.
And his self-imposed mission poses questions for us today:
Whether intentionally or not, in Major Dundee, Peckinpah laid out a microcosm of the American history that would immediately follow the Civil War.
Former Confederates and Unionists would forego their regional animosities and fight against a recognized mutual enemy—the Indians. This would prove a dirty and drawn-out war, shorn of the glory and (later) treasured memories of the Civil War.
Just as Dundee’s final battle with French lancers ended with an American victory won at great cost, so, too, would America’s forays into the Spanish-American War and World Wars 1 and 11 prove the same.
Ben Tyreen’s commentary on the barbarism of French troops (“Never underestimate the value of a European education”) would be echoed by twentieth-century Americans uncovering the horrors of Dachau and Buchenwald.
America would learn to project its formidable military power at great cost. Toward the end of the movie, Teresa Santiago (Senta Berger), the ex-patriot Austrian widow, would ask Dundee: “But who do you answer to?”
It is a question that still vividly expresses the view of the international community as this superpower colossus hurtles from one conflict to the next.
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