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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

“SPRINGTIME FOR TRUMPLAND”

In Bureaucracy, Entertainment, History, Humor, Politics, Social commentary, Uncategorized on July 25, 2016 at 12:05 am

Donald Trump has attached nicknames to his many political opponents.

“Little Marco” – Florida U.S. Senator Marco Rubio

“Goofy” – Massachusetts U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren

“Lyin’ Ted” – Texas U.S. Senator Rafael Eduardo “Ted” Cruz

“Crooked Hillary” – Hillary Clinton, former First Lady, U.S. Senator from New York and Secretary of State, now the all-but-confirmed Democratic nominee for President.

Donald Trump

And now he’s picked out another catchy nickname–this time for Virginia U.S. Senator Tim Kane, chosen by Hillary Clinton to be her Vice Presidential running mate: “Corrupt Kane.”

Nicknames and ridicule can be powerful weapons. 

David Brooks, a conservative columnist for the New York Times, assessed Trump’s ability to effectively use both.

Related image

David Brooks and Mark Shields

He did so on the May 27 edition of the PBS Newshour.  Said Brooks:

“Trump, for all his moral flaws, is a marketing genius. And you look at what he does. He just picks a word and he attaches it to a person. Little Marco [Rubio], Lyin’ Ted [Cruz], Crooked Hillary [Clinton]. 

“And that’s a word. And that’s how marketing works. It’s a simple, blunt message, but it gets under. It sticks, and it diminishes.

“And so it has been super effective for him because he knows how to do that. And she [Hillary Clinton[ just comes on with, ‘Oh, he’s divisive.’

Hillary Clinton official Secretary of State portrait crop.jpg

Hillary Clinton

“These are words that are not exciting people. And her campaign style has gotten, if anything…a little more stagnant and more flat.”

But Democrats can fight back with catchy nicknames of their own: Such as: “Deadbeat Donald,” “Nazi Boy,” “Devious Donald” or “Der Fuehrer.”

So far, only one opponent has managed to verbally stand up to Trump: Massachusetts U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren.

A May 12 story on CNN–“Elizabeth Warren Gives Trump a Dose of His Own Medicine on Twitter”–notes:

“In the past week, the Massachusetts Democrat has refined an aggressive anti-Trump message through a series of so-called tweetstorms.”  

Elizabeth Warren--Official 113th Congressional Portrait--.jpg

Elizabeth Warren

On the May 27 edition of the PBS Newshour, syndicated columnist Mark Shields noted Warren’s ability to rattle Trump:

“Elizabeth Warren gets under Donald Trump’s skin. And I think she’s been the most effective adversary. I think she’s done more to unite the Democratic party than either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders.”

David Brooks added: “And so the tactics…is either you do what Elizabeth Warren has done, like bull-bore negativity, that kind of [get] under the skin, or try to ridicule him and use humor. Humor is not Hillary Clinton’s strongest point.”

Yet that need not remain the situation.

The Democratic convention could use ridicule to strike a deadly blow against the Presidential ambitions of Donald Trump.

Everyone expects this convention—like all political conventions—to be filled with boring, self-serving speeches. And its purpose—to nominate Hillary Clinton for President—is a foregone conclusion.  

But the message of this convention–the necessity for defeating Trump–need not be forgotten. And it won’t be–if convention planners are willing to do something truly daring and memorable. 

In 1988, Mel Brooks did exactly this with his now-classic comedy, “The Producers.” 

Brooks used this as a vehicle for lampooning the criminality of the Third Reich–and especially that of its Fuehrer, Adolf Hitler.  Especially memorable: Its production number, “Springtime for Hitler.” 

    

The press has had a field day with Melania Trump’s plagiarizing of Michelle Obama’s speech before the 2008 Democratic convention. 

Facebook and Twitter have been filled with ridicule–such as a “Rocky and Bullwinkle” cartoon image of villainess Natasha Fatale saying: “I write.  But Moose and Squirrel say I copy.”  

So it’s easy to imagine how a staged musical number like “Springtime for Trumpland”–complete with Nazi uniforms–would rage through the Internet. Not to mention make a great TV commercial. 

SPRINGTIME FOR TRUMPLAND  

America was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new Leader
To restore its former glory.

Where oh where was he?
Who could that man be?
We looked around
And then we found
The man for you and me.
And now it’s….

Springtime for Trumpland and bigotry–
Trumpland is happy and gay.
Our Leader’s put on a Nazi face–
Look out, here comes the Whiter race.

Springtime for Trump goons and bigotry–
Winter for Reason and Light.
Springtime for Trump goons and infamy–
Come on, Trumpsters, let’s go pick a fight.

I love Trump
My name is Dave
I’ll hunt you down
And dig your grave.

Don’t be stupid
Be a smarty.
Come and join
The RepublicaNazi party.

Springtime for Trump goons and infamy—
Killing is thrilling again.
A-bombs are saving us from toil
Soon we’ll have all the world’s black oil.

Springtime for Trumpland and infamy—
Prisons are filling once more.

Springtime for Trumpland and infamy—
Means that soon things will be swell.
You pray they will be swell
You know we’ll be going to HELL

The question remains: Is a political party noted for its cowardly Political Correctness willing to take the plunge?

Most likely, the answer is: No.

HERMAN CAIN’S NEXT (PRESIDENTIAL) FLING

In History, Humor, Politics on June 10, 2014 at 2:17 am

Herman Cain may run for President again.

Yes, on May 31, he told the annual Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans that he might once again take up the Presidential quest in 2016.

The kicker: if God calls upon him to do so.

“I do not know what the future holds,” said the onetime CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, “but I know who holds the future. And I trust in God.”

The last time Cain ran for President–in 2011–his campaign ended in scandal.  Multiple women came forward to accuse him of making aggressive and unwanted sexual advances.

Herman Cain

Cain’s longtime wife, Gloria, chose to stand by him.  But millions of female voters chose other candidates to vote for.

Cain dropped out of the race in December, 2011, before any actual votes were cast.

Unwilling to face the truth about himself, he still blames liberals for his dropping out of the 2012 Presidential race.

“The liberals thought that they had shut me up,” he told his cheering supporters at the Republican Leadership Conference. “I’m back!”

Perhaps Cain hopes that, in another two years, Americans will have forgotten the real reason he was forced to at least momentarily give up his Presidential ambitions: The “BJs for jobs” program he once offered Sharon Bialek.

Sharon Bialek

Bialek was an employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) where Cain served as CEO in 1997.

In mid-July, 1997, she asked Cain for help in finding a new job or getting her old one back.  She had been let go from her job with the educational foundation of the NRA.

Cain offered to help her and she traveled to Washington, D.C. to meet him.

As Bialek later recounted their meeting: “I met Mr. Cain in the lobby of the bar at the Capitol Hilton at around 6:30 p.m.  We had drinks at the hotel.”

Cain then took her to an Italian restaurant for dinner.

“While we were driving back to the hotel, he said that he would show me where the National Restaurant Association offices were.  He parked the car down the block.

“I thought that we were going to go into the offices so that he could show me around….

“But instead of going into the offices, he suddenly reached over and put his hand on my leg under my skirt and reached for my genitals.  He also grabbed my head and brought it toward his crotch.

“I was very, very surprised and very shocked.  I said, ‘What are you doing?  You know I have a boyfriend.  This isn’t what I came here for.’

“Mr. Cain said, ‘You want a job, right?’

“I asked him to stop and he did.  I asked him to take me back to my hotel, which he did, right away.”

Of course, Bialek never got her job back–or help from Cain in finding another one.

Bialek was the fourth woman to come forward to accuse Cain of making improper sexual advances toward her. And it was her testimony that sealed his fate as a Presidential candidate.

But that didn’t mean Cain lacked Right-wing supporters–such as Rush Limbaugh.

Rush Limbaugh

On October 31, 2011, Limbaugh blamed “the Left’s racist hit job” for Cain’s faltering campaign: “The racial stereotypes that these people are using to go after Herman Cain, what is the one thing that it tells us?

“It tells us who the real racists are, yeah, but it tells us that Herman Cain is somebody.  Something’s going on out there. Herman Cain obviously is making some people nervous for this kind of thing to happen.”

And on November 7, Limbaugh offered another “defense” for Cain’s behavior: Calling Bialek a “babe” and “the blonde bombshell,” he joked about Cain’s attempt to extort sexual favors via her need for a job.

“Ha-ha-ha-ha,” laughed Limbaugh. “That’s it.  Cain decided to provide her with his idea of a ‘stimulus package.'”

But Limbaugh wasn’t through: “Get this now. I have been wrong in pronouncing the fourth Cain accuser’s name as “Be-allek.” Gloria Allred [Bialek’s attorney] says that her name is pronounced ‘Bye-a-lick,’ as in ‘Buy a Lick.'”

To drive home his point, he made crude slumping noises over the microphone.

Actually, the name is pronounced “By-a-Lek.”

But even the venom of America’s most toxic Right-wing broadcaster couldn’t save Cain.   On December 3, 2011, he dropped out of the race.

Another Rightist who had only praise for Cain was the notoroious adulterer, Newt Gingrich, former speaker of the House of Representatives.

Newt Gingrich

As soon as Cain dropped out, Gingrich saluted him: “I am proud to know Herman Cain and consider him a friend and I know he will continue to be a powerful voice for years to  come.”

Gingrich, then a Presidential candidate himself, had two reasons for not criticizing his former rival.

  1. Gingrich–who had loudly touted himself a champion of “Family Values”–had enjoyed more than his share of extramrital perks; and
  2. He hoped to inherit Cain’s supporters, not alienate them.

When considering Cain as a candidate in 2016, voters would do well to recall the line: “Birds of a feather flock together.”

WHEN THE KGB COMES CALLING

In Bureaucracy, History, Humor, Law Enforcement, Social commentary on April 24, 2013 at 12:00 am

A day after bombs ravaged the Boston Marathon, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered his country’s assistance in investigating this latest Islamic outrage.

Putin said in a condolences note published on the Kremlin’s website that the international community should unite to fight terrorism.

Vladimir Putin

Putin said Russia “would be ready to provide assistance” to U.S. authorities with the probe into the bombings at the Boston marathon.

Fortunately, the FBI, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) and Boston police were able, within a week, to identify and kill/arrest the two brothers responsible for killing three people and injuring about 180 more.

But suppose President Obama had taken Putin up on his offer?

Officially, the KGB (“Committee for State Security”) no longer exists.  It was abolished by then-Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev following the agency’s unsuccessful coup against him in August, 1991.

But its legacy lives on in the renamed FSB (Federal Security Service).

The KGB was formed in 1954, the year after the death of Joseph Stalin, Russia’s 20th century version of Ivan the Terrible.  (Previously, the state secret police had been known, first, as the Cheka–“Extraordinary Commission”– and then as the NKVD.)

Regardless of its name, the agency relentlessly pursued its twin goals: Brutally repressing political oppression at home and spying on its enemies abroad.

Through the reins of Nikita Khrushchev, Leonid Brezhniev, Yuri Andropov, Constitin Chernenko and Mikhail Gorbachev, the KGB acted as “the sword and shield of Russia.”  Among its tens of thousands of members was Vladimir Putin.

Even the worst abuses of J. Edgar Hoover’s FBI pale in comparison to those of the KGB, which ran its own prisons, routinely tortured and murdered men and women, and conducted espionage abroad.

The agency remained impervious to control except by its Kremlin masters–who were the ones directing its worst atrocities.

So it’s intriguing to imagine how the KGB would have reacted to the bombings at the Boston Marathon.

Perhaps the best way to do this is to see the KGB–oops, FSB–through the eyes of its former victims: The ussians themselves.

Unable to protest the abuses of the all-powerful police, Russians–in secret, and only among their most-trusted friends and family members–struck back with humor of the blackest sort

  • Q. Why do the KGB operate in groups of three? A. One who can read, one who can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
  • A KGB officer tells the next-of-kin that her father committed suicide.  Woman: How did he die?  KGB: Skull fracture.  Woman:  How did it happen?  KGB: He wouldn’t drink the poison.
  • A Russian teacher asks her class, “Who wrote ‘The Communist Manifesto’?”  A boy says, “I don’t know, but it wasn’t me.”  The teacher thinks he’s being flippant, so she sends him home.  The boy tells his father, who complains to a friend who’s a KGB agent.  “Don’t worry,” says the KGB man, “I’ll find out who really wrote it.”  The KGB agent drives to the home of the teacher’s apartment.  The teacher asks, “Why have you woken me up?”  The KGB officer says: “It wasn’t the boy.  His father has confessed.” 
  • A man owns a parrot–until one day it disappears.  The owner rushes to the nearest KGB office.  “Why come to us?  It’s none of our affair,” says the KGB official.  “I just wanted you to know,” says the man, “that if it turns up, I don’t happen to share its opinions.”
  • A KGB agent spots an old man reading a book and asks what it’s about. “I’m learning Hebrew,” says the man, “because it’s the language of Heaven.  When I die, I want to talk to God.”  The KGB man says, “But suppose when you die you go to Hell?”  The old man says: “I already know Russian.”
  • The Egyptian government announces that an unidentified mummy has been found, and asks the world’s best archaeologists to help solve the mystery.  In response, the Soviet Union sends its top archaeologist–accompanied by two KGB guards to ensure he doesn’t defect.  The three men enter the tomb and, three days later, emerge.  “It’s Ramses III,” says the archaeologist.  “How did you figure it out?” asks a reporter.  And one of the KGB guards says, “The bastard finally confessed.”
  • A man knocks at the door of his neighbor’s apartment, yelling: “Quick, get up, get dressed!”  From inside he can hear screams of fear.  “Don’t worry,” he says, “it’s nothing serious.  I’m not from the KGB.  I just wanted to tell you your flat is on fire.”
  • A Russian boy asks his father, “Will there still be a KGB when we achieve Full Communism?”  And his father replies: “No, by then people will have learned how to arrest themselves.”
  • A delegation comes to the Kremlin to visit Leonid Brezhniev.  When they leave, Brezhniev can’t find his  cigarette case.  He telephones the head of the KGB and says, “Find out of one of the delegates took my case.”  Later, Brezhniev finds it under a table.  He calls the KGB director and says, “I found my case.  You can let the delegates go.”  “It’s too late for that,” says the KGB director, adding: “Half the delegates admitted they took your case, and the other half died under questioning.”

BOTH “CHI-COMS” AND REPUBLICANS HATE OBAMA

In History, Humor on January 25, 2013 at 12:05 am

Psssst!  The Republicans and Chinese Communists have something in common.

They both much preferred the foreign policy of George W. Bush to that of Barack Obama.

It’s one of the many fascinating revelations offered in Confront and Conceal: Obama’s Secret Wars and Surprising Uses of American Power.

Confront and Conceal: Obama's Secret Wars and Surprising Use of American Power

The author is David E. Sanger, the chief Washington correspondent for The New York Times.

Early in 2011, Sanger had lunch at the Central Party School outside Beijing.  This is where the party’s leadership debates questions that are thought too controversial to air in public.

A retired general in the People’s Liberation Army sat down next to Sanger and, in a relaxed moment of candor, said:

“I sat through many meetings of the People’s Liberation Army in the 80s and 90s where we tried to imagine what your military forces would look like in 10 to 20 years.

“But frankly, we never thought that you would spend trillions of dollars and so much time tied down in Afghanistan and the Middle East. We never imagined that as a choice you would make.”

And, writes Sanger: “Not so secretly, the Chinese were delighted by the Bush-era wars.  The longer the United States was bogged down trying to build democracies in foreign lands, the less capable it was of competing in China’s backyard.

“But now that America was emerging from a lost decade in the Middle East, the Chinese began to ask: How should China respond?  With cooperation, confrontation, or something in-between?”

And the Chinese were equally thrilled that the United States had squandered so much of its treasury during the eight-year Bush Presidency.

In the decade following 9/11, the Pentagon went on an unprecedented spending binge.  The defense budget grew by 67%, to levels 50% higher than it had been per average year during the Cold War.

According to Sanger: “An estimate [the New York Times] put together for the tenth anniversary of the [9/11] attacks suggested that the United States had spent at least $3.3 trillion.”

These monies had gone on

  • securing the country;
  • invading and trying to rebuild Afghanistan and Iraq; and
  • caring for wounded American soldiers.

“Put another way,” writes Sanger, “for every dollar al-Qaeda spent destroying the World Trade Center and attacking the Pentagon, America had spent $6.6 million in response.

“The annual Pentagon budget of $700 billion was equivalent to the combined spending of the next twenty largest military powers….

“The world had come to expect that America would underwrite global security, regardless of the cost.  Obama was determined to change that mind-set.”

In short, America became financially and militarily vulnerable during the Presidency of George W. Bush.

And this flatly contradicts the standard Republican line: Obama is a weak President–and is betraying us to the (pick one or both) Muslims/Communists.

It also speaks volumes that the two most important members of the George W. Bush administration declined to attend the Republican National Convention held August 27-30.

That, of course, meant former President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney.

And why was that?  Perhaps it’s because polls show that a majority of Americans continued

  • To blame Bush for lying the country into a needless, bloody and expensive war with Iraq.
  • To blame him for presiding over the 2008 Wall Street meltdown.
  • To see Dick Cheney as the Dr. Strangelovian manipulator of George W. Bush.

Even former President George H.W. Bush said he wouldn’t attend the convention.

It’s possible that Bush, Sr., didin’t want to serve as a reminder that his son left the White House with the lowest popularity rating of any modern President.

And that was just fine with those planning to attend the convention–especially its nominee-to-be.

They wanted to do with George W. Bush what Nikita Khrushchev and his fellow Communists did with the embarrassing Joseph Stalin: Bury him far from public view.

Romney wanted to use the convention the way Adolf Hitler used the Nuremberg rallies–to attack his enemies and glorify himself.

He didin’t want the viewing audience to be reminded that the United States sharply declined in wealth and prestige during the eight-year reign of George W. Bush and a Republican Congress.

Romney and his fellow conventioneers also didn’t want to remind the country of something else: That Obama had spent most of his own Presidency trying to undo the harm his predecessor did, in both foreign and domestic policy.

Thus the Republican party found itself torn.

On one hand, its leaders wanted to claim that Barack Obama was the worst President in the history of the Republic.

On the other hand, they knew that most Americans continued to view the last Republican President in just that way.

RUNNING THE COUNTRY LIKE A BUSINESS

In Business, Humor, Politics, Social commentary on January 18, 2013 at 12:08 am

Republicans–and right-wingers generally–love to say that the United States Government should be run like a business.

But what does that really mean?

If we ran the United States like a business,” Johnny Carson once joked, “we’d burn down the country and collect the insurance.”

And of course the joke got a lot of laughs.

Yes, it’s true: A lot of Americans just don’t trust businessmen–especially Big Businessmen.

And especially Big Businessmen who’ve made their fortunes the old-fashioned way–by raiding and despoiling other companies.

But consider this for a moment:

When was the last time we had a President who could honestly say, like Mitt Romney–

“I understand, for instance, how to read a balance sheet”?

And that’s a truly valuable qualification for public office.

Mitt Romney doesn’t get weepy over people and their messy, sob-sister problems.  Consider:

ROMNEY:  Corporations are people, my friend.

ROMNEY:  I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.

ROMNEY:  I’m not concerned about the very poor.

ROMNEY:  Don’t try and stop the foreclosure process.  Let it run its course and hit the bottom.

You have to be cold-bloodedly unemotional if you want to win the game.

Like Meyer Lansky–”The Mob’s Accountant.”   He understood that perfectly.

And he knew how to read a balance sheet.

It was Lansky who famously said of the Mafia: “We’re bigger than U.S. Steel.”

And think of all the money this made for his business partners–like Charles “Lucky” Luciano and Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel.

Or take stockbroker Bernard Madoff.

Think of where his clients would now be if he hadn’t been able to read a balance sheet.

And you can be sure that Ivan Boesky knew how to read a balance sheet.

As a successful stock trader, he became the inspiration for an entire generation of corporate CEOs: “I think greed is healthy. You can be greedy and still feel good about yourself.”

It was Boesky who inspired the producers of the 1987 movie, “Wall Street,” to create a fictional character based on him: Gordon Gecko, played by Michael Douglas.

So imagine what a successful corporate businessman–like Mitt Romney–could have done as President.

Or, better still, let veteran political analyst Chris Matthews imagine it for you, as he did on May 24, 2012:

Mitt Romney has one pitch, and since it’s his only one, he makes it again and again, is that he is a man of business, someone who spent his life in business, doing it, thinking about it, experiencing it. 

And this is why he, Mitt Romney, is a better man than the president to direct the business of the country.

But the question, and an important one, is whether Romney would take his business training and use it for the country or take the office of the presidency and use it to help his fellow business people. 

  • Will he serve the people or the CEOs? 
  • The 99 percent or the 1 percent? 

It’s a basic, useful question to ask.

  • What if he plays the business game in ways that favors the wealthy like himself? 
  • What if he cuts taxes for the wealthy? 
  • What if he eliminates environmental and safety regulations? 
  • What if he pulls down the financial regulations put in places the crash of ’08 and `09? 
  • And what if he sides with the wheeler-dealers and opens the door for the hell to break loose like it did under Bush?
  • And what if he can’t see what was done wrong before, but wants instead to do it all over again? 

This is the danger.

We elect presidents to look out for the people. 

Business, especially the people like Mitt Romney, already have a voice in our national government.  They’re called lobbyists. 

They push for lower taxes for the rich, lower taxes on corporations.  They work with friends in Congress, to pull back on regulation, to make live easier for them, to make more money.

  • …Would we like someone who thinks only about the interest of big business, doing away taxes, we pay–deciding what taxes we pay, what working conditions we have to endure, what protections we get for food safety, airline safety, the safety of our investments from Wall Street sharpies? 
  • Is that what we want looking for us–the people whose primary concern is the bottom line of those Mitt Romney calls “the successful”?
  • Government of, by and for the economic elite–is that what we want? 

Because if you listen, you can hear that this is precisely what the man from Bain is now out there selling.

* * * * *

So go ahead: Imagine what a Mitt Romney Presidency would have been like.

And then be grateful that you don’t have to live out that reality.

THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL RACE AS A GAME

In Humor, Social commentary, Uncategorized on November 26, 2012 at 12:05 am

Oligarchy: a government in which a small group exercises control, especially for corrupt and selfish purposes.

Let’s play:
“Buy Me a President.”
Step 1: 
Start off with at least
42 old, greedy billionaire oligarchs 
who want special favors–
such as eliminating taxes on themselves
and their corporations.
Billionaire oligarchs like:
Sheldon Adelson, Las Vegas Sands | $10,000,000 to Restore Our Future from Shel and his wife Miriam | #8 on Forbes 400, $24,900,000,000 Net Worth. (Updated: July 23, 2012)
Sheldon Adelson, Las Vegas Sands | $10,000,000 to Restore Our Future from Shel and his wife Miriam | #8 on Forbes 400, $24,900,000,000 Net Worth.
John Catsimatidis, United Refining Company | $100,000 to Restore Our Future (through United Refining) | #212 on Forbes 400, $2,000,000,000 Net Worth
John Catsimatidis, United Refining Company | $100,000 to Restore Our Future (through United Refining) | #212 on Forbes 400, $2,000,000,000 Net Worth.
Paul Singer, Elliott Management | $1 Million to Restore Our Future | #416 on Forbes, $1,000,000,000 Net Worth
Paul Singer, Elliott Management | $1 Million to Restore Our Future | #416 on Forbes, $1,000,000,000 Net Worth.
Harold Hamm, Continental Resources | $985,000 to Restore Our Future | #36 on Forbes 400, $11,000,000,000 Net Worth
Harold Hamm, Continental Resources | $985,000 to Restore Our Future | #36 on Forbes 400, $11,000,000,000 Net Worth.
Wilbur Ross, WL Ross & Company | $100,000 to Restore Our Future | #200 on Forbes 400, $2,200,000,000 Net Worth
Wilbur Ross, WL Ross & Company | $100,000 to Restore Our Future | #200 on Forbes 400, $2,200,000,000 Net Worth.
Step 2: 
Have another member of America’s privileged 1%–
Mitt Romney–
make them an offer
they don’t want to refuse: 
You bankroll my race for President
and, when I’m elected: 
–your personal taxes will disappear
–your corporate taxes will disappear
–your employees will become your slaves
–you can pollute as much as you want
–you can produce all the shoddy goods you want
–the rich will once again
be treated with awe and reverence.
“Because, under my Presidency:
–the IRS will be abolished
(except for the poor and middle class)
–the Department of Labor will be abolished
–the EPA will be abolished
–the FDA and all consumer-protection agencies
will be abolished
–it will be a felony
to criticize or oppose the rich.”
Step 3:
The rich oligarchs throw in
huge bags of money
to bankroll their man’s
quest for the Presidency.
Step 4:
The oligarchs wait for Election Day!
Step 5
On Election Day….
Whoops!
Sometimes money can’t
buy you
love
or
Seal Of The President Of The United States Of America.svg
even
the
Presidency.
Game over.  For now.

THE IDEAL REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR 2016

In Humor, Social commentary on November 23, 2012 at 12:10 am

Right-wingers are still reeling from the election-night defeat of Mitt Romney, their nominee for Plutocrat-in-Chief.

As President John F. Kennedy put it, after his humiliation at the Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba: “Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan.”

Thus, many high-ranking Republicans are now looking for excuses for the stunning setback they suffered.

Among those excuses:

  • The voters were stupid.
  • Romney wasn’t conservative enough.
  • Romney wasn’t ruthless enough.
  • President Barack Obama “suppressed the vote”–through negative campaigning.
  • Hurricane Sandy took people’s attention away from Romney’s message.
  • New Jersey Governor Chris Christie actually praised Obama for the help FEMA gave to the storm’s victims.
  • The fact-checkers were out to get Romney.
  • The news media were out to get Romney.

It’s all highly reminiscent of another blame-game that occurred in post-World War 1 Germany: “We didn’t lose the war.  We were stabbed in the back by criminals, Communists and Jews.”

At least, that was Adolf Hitler’s take on the war.

And it made sense–if you were a German who didn’t want to blame Germany for starting a war it could not hope to win, only to be  defeated by the armies of France, Britain and the United States.

Similarly, the far-Right leadership of the Republican Party refuses to accept any blame for the loss.

It couldn’t be that

  • large numbers of women were outraged by the party’s attacks on abortion and even birth control;
  • large numbers of blacks were outraged by the party’s venomous, often racist attacks on Obama;
  • large numbers of Hispanics were outraged by the party’s attacks on them as all illegal aliens who must be deported;
  • large numbers of voters generally were outraged by the party’s blatant efforts to suppress voting rights.

Or could it?

Since Republican leaders seem unwilling to learn from their mistakes, only one course lies open to them: Repeat those mistakes.

And that means finding another “severely conservative” candidate to run for President.

But who might be “conservative” enough to gain the support of the right-wingers controlling the Republican party?

Perhaps the science of cloning can provide the answer.

By 2016, scientists may have perfected cloning–and thus allow Republicans to create their ideal Presidential candidate.

Imagine how this could affect the outcome of the 2016 election:

The top officials of the Republican Party decide to create the perfect, unbeatable Presidential candidate.

They direct scientists from the National Institute of Health to resurrect–via DNA samples–several past, hugely popular Republican leaders.

The first of these, of course, is Abraham Lincoln: Savior of the Union and destroyer of slavery.

The scientists then introduce him to a sample of Republican voters to gauge his current popularity.

The test audience erupts–but not the way party officials expect.

“Race-mixer!”

“He’s the reason we have all these damn civil rights laws.”

“He destroyed states’ rights!”

To head off a riot, the scientists rush the startled Lincoln-clone off the stage.

Then they introduce their next resurrected candidate: Theodore Roosevelt: warrior, Nobel Prize winner and trust-busting conservationist.

Again, the test-audience goes wild:

“Tree-hugger! Tree-hugger!”

“He’s the guy who broke up the big corporations–lousy Commie!”

Once again, there is a near-riot as startled Republican officials hustle Roosevelt out of the building.

Finally, they bring out their third choice for victory: A cloned Ronald Reagan.

“Not him! He legalized abortion in California when he was Governor!”

“Yeah, and his first wife, Jane Wyman, divorced him. We can’t have a divorced guy in the White House!”

Desperate, Republican leaders go into a huddle.

“What are we going to do?” asks one. ”Lincoln, Roosevelt and Reagan were our most popular Presidents.”

“Yeah, but that was in the PAST,” says another. “We need a candidate who speaks to our base TODAY.”

“Hey, I’ve got an idea, but it’s a bit radical. The guy I have in mind wasn’t actually born in the United States.”

“So what?”

“That would violate the Constitution.”

“You know what our friends in the oil industry say: Why spoil the beauty of the thing with legality?”

So the Republicans once again call in the scientists and tell them to go back to work one last time.

When the last resurrected candidate is presented to the test-audience, the crowd rises as one, shouting: “That’s him! That’s him!”

“The one we’ve been waiting for!”

“The one who REALLY speaks for us!”

“He’s totally anti-abortion and he REALLY hates uppity women!”

“Yeah–he hates Commies, gays and non-whites, and he REALLY believes in a STRONG military!”

“All right, all right, I’ll do it,” says the clone-candidate. ”But the last time I tried to lead people to greatness, they proved unworthy of me.

“So I’ll do it again–but only under VON condition!”

“Yes, yes!” screams the test-audience. “Anything you want! What is it?”

“Ziss time….”

….no more Mister Nice Guy!”

THE UNDECIDED VOTER’S DILEMMA

In Humor, Politics, Social commentary on October 5, 2012 at 12:00 am

Vs.

    

“Gee, I don’t know which one to vote for.  They look so much alike.”

THE G.O.P.’S BIGGEST LIE

In Humor, Politics, Social commentary, Uncategorized on September 19, 2012 at 12:37 am

On January 16, 2009–four days before Barack Obama even took office as President of the United States–right-wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh said:

cigar

“I disagree fervently with the people on our side of the aisle who have caved and who say, ‘Well, I hope he succeeds. We’ve got to give him a chance.’

“…I’ve been listening to Barack Obama for a year-and-a-half. I know what his politics are. I know what his plans are, as he has stated them. I don’t want them to succeed…. I hope he fails.”

On October 29, 2010,  Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell in an interview with the National Journal:

“The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.”

So if you can believe this….

“I wish President Obama had succeeded because I want America to succeed.”

–Mitt Romney’s acceptance speech, August 30, 2012

…then you can believe this:

“I wish President Roosevelt had succeeded because I want America to succeed.”

WONDER WOMAN MEETS REPUBLICANAZI MAN

In Humor, Politics on August 21, 2012 at 9:46 am

“Don’t worry, Wonder Woman. You can’t get pregnant if it’s legitimate rape.”

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